the

Try Not To Laugh | 420 Jokes | Laugh Factory Stand Up Comedy

weeds getting a bad rap I don't mean up

like a blunt wrap them you know I mean

people talk you know people shop [ __ ]

about it you know you know marijuana

affects the memory that's [ __ ] I

never forget the smoke so weed makes you

stupid it doesn't make you stupid it

makes you smarter all right mr. smokin

weed since high school I grew up in the

San Gabriel Valley in LA we had what's

called off-campus lunch I don't know if

you remember that that's where you can

golf campus smoke weed eat and then you

had to come back for some reason so one

time I came back lit and we had

intermediate Matt I had intermediate

math after lunch right and one time came

back lit and we had to take a test in

fractions a little pop quiz and one of

the questions on the test was what's the

difference between a quarter and the

eighth I wrote 50 bucks pretty much

everybody smokes pot what do you think

about I just found out my 15 year old

cousin smokes pot what the [ __ ] 1500

wants to beat an adult before even grows

up I wanted to help curb to have it

discourage him from really turning it

into something bad so I told him I

smoked a little didn't expect the

reaction his eyes got so big like so

excited he was like dude Adam dude you

smoke weed dude how have we not smoked

together yet I was like dude how do we

not smoke together yet five years ago

you were 10 what the [ __ ] time

you just start using deodorant man take

it easy plus I have this rule I can't

smoke pot with anybody who didn't grow

up watching duck tales that's just one

of my rules about smoke yeah that's a

good rule

duck tails the pun is it's how you find

it yeah today I just renewed my weed

card ah thank you my second card my

first card I got three days into being

in Los Angeles I didn't have an

apartment yet my first purchase was a

weed cookie I got inedible

it was the coolest thing I've ever

gotten at that point in my life because

I'd never seen branding on drugs it had

a logo aunt Mabel's weed cookie I trust

this she's family

underneath a set per dose eat 1/3 of a

cookie

who eats 1/3 of a cookie I eat all the

thirds of a cookie you're not gonna have

meat 1/3 of a cookie now I'm high and

I'm hungry I'm staring 2/3 of a cookie

that's not happiness that's Hunger Games

and I ate the whole cookie woke up two

days later about a mile and a half of my

house feeling refreshed

we'll get out of this ditch and get on

with my day

my friend smoke weed all time my boys

like guys I hang out with they stay up

heavy means focus heavy and they all

have girlfriends and wives not

girlfriends get gorfeins and/or wives

that won't let them smoke at home so now

my house has become the designated weed

smoking house yeah they just called me

up out of nowhere like a man what you're

doing call me up for no reason what you

doing like I'm here watching the game

got a panel coming over then I get high

and get into these deep philosophical

weed discussions I love your friends

today like that's when they want to have

like a Wolf Blitzer CNN discussion when

they high but it's always bull comes out

of nowhere like if you was invisible

which ex-girlfriends house would you rob

my butt other boys over hey thinking

about to it oh that's deep that's deep

see it don't work like that it don't

work like that cuz technically you were

visible right but you steal it's not now

TV just floating down the street oh my

mama actually she actually came out here

and visited me once and she kind of got

into my medicinal marijuana my bad cuz

I've got glaucoma and can't see any of

you but she came out here and visited me

I took a shower I thought I hit

everything but the southern woman is

like a [ __ ] honey badger they will

dig through anything good you suck

she's looking through it I got out of

the shower I looked really good she's

just sitting there she's like Justin

Douglas smart now what is this the full

name right she's like I've raised you

better than this mister I cannot believe

you brought this in your house I've been

through thick and thin with you Jesus

has cried for you sir bigoted and I

cannot believe you and even goddamn that

[ __ ] hits hard what is that is that an

indica sativa what is that purple rhino

mr. Hayes said substitute teacher what's

that called

if you gonna do drugs smoke weed

seriously right exactly I don't judge

what's the worst thing that's gonna

happen smoke some weed you're gonna eat

a couple of Twinkies and drive really

safely white people you have good weed

and I commend you because you use

discretion you get your weed from

somebody called a guy

I don't know who this guy is you can ask

anyway dude anyway will you get your

weed from I get it from this guy I see

them on Tuesdays you want me to pick you

up something that's all you get ask a

brother your dogs will you get your weed

from from my cousin here at the Holiday

Inn right down the street won't you call

them from your cellphone so you could

lock the number in it then they wonder

why they get caught it's two o'clock in

the morning and your car is orange

that's why you got caught you need a guy

when you get you weed from white people

they let you try it before you buy it

you can't get that from black people you

have to smoke them out with the [ __ ] you

just got from them in business that's

called reneging I had to go back and

learn fractions just about we from white

people I didn't know nothing about

eighths of quarters or nothing like that

nobody told me that if the bottom number

was bigger you get less I have to rush

down to Home Depot to get one of them

rulers with the lines on it the guy was

like what you using it for like combine

I ate from away that what's your honors

day is that the little short line next

to the corner another want to get ripped

off I want the right length I'm on the

phone telling my friends don't worry

about it I got to 164 it's coming we'll

just put one in the freezer this little

ass this to Christmas I have a

prescription for medical marijuana and

here in Los Angeles you don't even need

a real reason to get it the doctors like

why do you need a prescription for

medical marijuana it's like uh because

my neighbor moved to Burbank

I don't know where else to get any pot

from because everybody smokes I hate

when I go to the store hi but the guy

behind the counter is higher than I am

so you try to buy something and he's

like 275 please how much what if I tried

to give it to smoke some Afghani weed I

don't want to smoke an Afghani weed

because people in Afghanistan get stoned

to death I'm just trying to get to

Hollywood here's the deal I went into

the weed store and I hadn't anybody had

the edibles whoo okay so for those of

you don't know the edibles kind of [ __ ]

you up I did not know that

so I went in now listen something you

need to know about me is like I [ __ ]

love blueberry muffins so I walk into

the weed store and I'm like are those

blueberry muffins I think I was like

yeah and I said does that have weed in

it and he said yeah and I was like I'll

have a blueberry muffin so my weed store

has like a little area where you can

smoke and watch DVDs and [ __ ] and I just

put in Chapelle season one [ __ ] great

and I'm literally licking my fingers

when the guy runs it you didn't eat that

whole muffin did you

huh tell me you didn't eat that whole

muffin right now all at once did you and

I was like yeah and he goes alright

listen

and I'm not [ __ ] around right now

either give me the keys to your car or

drive home right now and I see I said

what and he goes I'm telling you leave

here right now or prepare to be here for

eight hours like are you kidding me he

goes you ate that old muffin man he goes

I own this place he was right I was high

for eight hours that's one of those

highs where you're like I have kids man

I had to pull one of these I walked into

the house I was like daddy's sick don't

come in the room click I'm gonna peek my

head I was like don't no matter what you

hear from this room do not come in here

it was bad it's simply an hour later I

was like except I could use some orange

juice it's fun of you smoke pop there's

one type of stoner I hate being around

and that's the person when they do get

high they think it makes them smarter

somehow do you know one of these

[ __ ] and I realized there's certain

things I can't do with that friend while

he's stoned anymore like I can't watch

movies with him anymore here's what

happened a few weeks ago we were

watching a movie he's smoking a joint

I'm completely sober we're watching

Return of the Jedi I don't want to ruin

the movie for you guys

but at one point and Return of the Jedi

a spaceship explodes and my bunny leans

over and because you know that would

never actually happen in real life bro

you've never seen a fireball in space

because fire needs oxygen to survive and

there's zero oxygen in space that [ __ ]

would never happen I was like you know

what you're right and while we're at it

I don't think those are really walks

either sure those are just dwarves

dressed up as bears white people have

cool magical names for their ways now

think about it like chronic cuz purple

arrow juicy fruit trainwreck Northern

Lights green crack purple horseshoes

Obama yeah there's an Obama strain out

there yes we cannabis

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