the

Try Not to Laugh | Yappin' off at the Nanners | Laugh Factory Stand Up Comedy

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some cool voice like some sexy that

girls like you know what I mean just

thought how are you right there you go

[ __ ] right there you'll grow up like

that come on

how are you you furry uh yes I am quite

for real

hello I feel like that's how British

dude to wake up in the morning just then

their wife and their kids literally

that's how they wanker why don't bring

us people always say literally they say

that way too much why are you saying I'm

looking it's like they're trying to

prove how British they are

I'm literally British I'm literally

British they say well they don't even

need to they're like I literally I a hot

dog wouldn't mean you had lunch

no I literally ate a hot dog it

literally shot down me esophagus for it

literally stayed at me stomach region

for literally like four hours until I

literally expelled it out me arse and

that's when it's sad Allah

hey have you ever been threatened by a

British dude it's hilarious you don't

know what the [ __ ] is going on you don't

know if it's good or bad or what they

don't make any sense

they just say [ __ ] right they'll just be

like you keep talking to me like that

you keep yapping off at the Nano so

we'll see what happens

you keep chomping and clam bits I'll get

the Siouxsie boys to roll up on you I'll

leave you are for your Main Street if

your pants around your ankles and a

lollipop in your mouth like yo is that a

party I don't know what yeah it's a part

of you Barger off you see what happens

I'll come over bright and early and do

grant work in your bathroom like for

free I don't know yeah for free

literally do not not literally do not

not like literally sausage in your

answer not literally a sausage literally

bought penis anyway doesn't matter I'm

not doing it I mean you know I like

hanging out with my friends sometimes

but sometimes you know you have old

friends that you grew up with that you

just shouldn't hang out with anymore

Pookie's the same guy who tells my man

you'd never make it in jail thank god

that's not a goal of mine it's not on my

to-do list

toilet paper get locked up

I never want to go to jail man I'll be

the first to know

never and I'm gonna be honest rape would

be a concern I just don't know if I'm

strong enough to rape anybody

thank you sir you like that one huh to

send out a email this is awesome some

people you should hang around with and

you listen we all have these friends you

know when you're hanging around with

somebody you shouldn't hang around with

when they use this phrase here's a

phrase where you could sit you could use

this and go I can't hang around with

this guy anymore and the phrase is if

you ever hang out with somebody he goes

hey man you only live once that is

always followed by a bad decision

she always says you be out of club like

oh man I am so loaded one more shot of

tequila no I can't man come on you only

live once shouldn't that be a warning

and not a challenge I have sex without a

condom amen you only live once I am an

immigrant to this country any of the

immigrants in his house

any other at some point in time no like

I was born I was born like in former

Soviet like I was born in Russia like I

was born there no no one else wants to

come clean all right it's fine it's okay

that's a shame um so what happens is I

have a Russian mother and right they're

not known to be nice people they're not

know what's the first thing you think

about you think of Russians just yell

out the first thing vodka someone said

hooker thank you and they're also just

mean people mean that's all they are

just mean mean people here's my mother

said to me about the way I'm raising my

child she goes you are ruining this baby

why what am I doing wrong you are

ruining this baby

every day you say to him I love you

we never say I love you yeah maybe if

you throw out a couple extra I love yous

I would be telling dick jokes on a

Tuesday night so I can't have this

peanut allergy it's awful it's terrible

and I call my mom I was born there right

so I don't know what happened they have

revisionist history anyway and I call

her in a panic and I go mom I need to

know did I have any allergies back in

Russia and she says who knows you you

you're supposed to know these things in

Russian if we wait in line five hours

for peanuts you're going to eat these

peanuts and then she says to me oh yes

one day you stopped breathing

I said maybe that was an allergic

reaction to something and then she then

my dad chimes in you'll hear them out

give it up for Hampton Yount everybody

Hampton that's a lot of movies you know

I love them

my favorite thing though now has been to

watch like my favorite r-rated movies

when they come on regular television

right cuz then they edit the [ __ ] out of

them and it's awesome like I used to

hate it now I love it you know the thing

like you'll be watching an r-rated movie

that you love and like a scenes coming

up where you know they're gonna swear

but at the last moment they take out the

swear word put in somebody else's voice

as I horribly disjointed it's [ __ ]

awesome so I'm gonna be like hey man

listen why don't you just suck my

garbage like all right bunch of cops I

gather around a dead hooker looks like

the suspect cut up her lollipops and fed

her her own gumdrops like there's a cop

puking in the bag of gumdrops I'm gonna

catch this guy's sick

and it just means you they like

censorship so crazy in this country why

is it so crazy in autonomy it's because

people write letters specifically old

[ __ ] write letters why are we listening

to people who are handwriting angry

letters like do you have any idea how

much anger it takes to hand write an

angry letter and send it

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does that just be crazy same thing if

you here bless his heart if you if you

hear somebody say bless his heart

they're about to talk some [ __ ] and

it'll be the worst thing you've ever

heard

bless his heart but he is a pedophile

he's a racist pedophile and he's got a

clubfoot but it's not you can say

whatever you want man and then just

erase it with a god forbid you know it

well if Uncle Jimmy got hit by train and

he lost both of his legs we had to push

him around on skateboards the rest of

his life

god forbid the hell did you come up with

it yeah you ever hear this one time

heals all wounds

I think that's [ __ ] what if you get

smashed in the head with a clock let's

see what else is going on how awesome

would it be if you went to a movie

theater and you saw an actual original

idea the someone took could turn it to a

script and then made into a movie how

amazing would that be I mean an actual

new movie not like a remake or a prequel

or a sequel or a trilogy or a 3d IMAX

trilogy or the second version of the

third coming and the rear eyes of the

movie

I mean it absolutely that would be

awesome how did we get to this point I

don't understand were they sitting

around in a studio and they're like we

got to make that you're spider-man movie

but that Tobey Maguire got fat no one's

gonna work with that guy let's get a new

we're gonna have to have a new holy new

movie but the exact same movie what

should we call it and then one

like I don't know let's google it I need

with googling and it's computer for us

he's like oh god my computer froze

I better reboot and the guy was like

hold on what'd you say

reboot that's genius we'll just call all

new movies reboots how many times am I

gonna watch the same movie over without

realizing I've already seen this movie

right thank you this is what's happening

we've lost the entire ability to be

creative pretty soon you're not even

gonna need a director for a movie you're

just gonna need a DJ and he's gonna

remix it now presenting TJ Jesse Jeff

Rise of the Planet is eh the prequel

part 2 with 50 cent redoing his role as

Caesar the download these are remix and

as a comic as Jay mentioned now I will

be working in Vegas very shortly we fans

in that town we don't need we like Vegas

yeah I try to be good when I'm there cuz

there's a comic like we're usually there

for like a week at a time so I have to

like pace myself gambling this last time

I tried to be conservative right I

played the nickel slots right yeah I

played nickel slots for 10 minutes I

lost $38,000

does that mask and some of the game some

of the games have their keynote who has

ever played Kuna before you ever play

keno do you play it right here yo your

name is what what's your Rebecca did you

win at keno Rebecca no that's because

it's impossible um but if you like keno

Rebecca there's a new game in Vegas I

found very similar to keno it's where

you crumple up your money in a big paper

wad and you throw it in a deep dark

[ __ ] hole cuz I think the odds and

here's what my idiot friends tell me

also they go oh you're going to play

Vegas make sure you play games you've

never played before just for fun yeah

that's a lot of fun isn't it we don't no

idea what the hell is going on so I want

to learn how to play craps because that

looks like a good time right yeah

Pete with crabs are always screaming and

yelling I got money you know right so

here's the problem I never learned how

to play and it's pretty intimidating so

this is what I did I went to a lesson

right this is true casinos offer you

what they call gaming lessons I'll give

you a little recap all right this is how

my crabs lesson wet all right they're

about a thousand bet you can make here's

what you're gonna do take your money put

it on the table

someone will then roll the dice we are

then going to scoop your money away

and we're gonna repeat that process over

and over again - you're completely broke

so it's good to me

now Rebecca which I tell you said when

you were in Vegas

OMG yeah that's a nice one yeah did you

yeah you had a good time that one did

you go to the fort J go to Caesars you

gotta form shots when you're there yeah

that's a good bargain shopping there

isn't it yeah more coconut some of the

stores I walked into a store there I

don't get a lot yeah how much for this

belt $300 yeah does it come with a

prostitute does she wit me with a belt

because that's insane did you wait that

we're back to you one minute win money

where you were there know what's your

favorite game to play I broke even

that's down about a grand all right now

what's your favorite game to play poker

I like poker are we poker fans here it's

all over Tina that's my favorite game

right and I like playing poker I think

like in casinos right because there are

specific rules that you have to follow

do you ever play with your buddies at

home yeah there's always that one guy

who wants to teach everybody some crazy

new game you learn you know all these

rules is like alright here's the game

this is common Johnny goes to Bangladesh

he always rides a pony all right all

even cards are wild man all of them

except the fours which are actually

fives now you're gonna get three cards

turn to face up one face down

stand up switch seats or the person to

your right get three more cards with one

face up and pass that back to your left

unless your neighbor has a king that

blocks the past and up again rotate back

to your left get three more cards flip

one face up alright now here's the weird

part

all right from Virginia the south it's

[ __ ] terrible don't whoo it's the

opposite of a woods more like a it's the

worst my up my relatives are all like

hardcore conspiracy theorists cuz her

like oh rednecks you know the people who

are like it's the government's fault

it's like dude you just work at

Applebee's

like the government's not behind that

you just did pull out in the seventh

grade that's behind you that's new

right now people like my my stepdad huge

conspiracy theorists and the thing is if

you've ever gone in a conversation with

the conspiracy there's you can't win the

conversation and aren't like they have

to be right this is the only way I found

you can win a conversation with a

hardcore conspiracy theorist you have to

out conspiracy theory then the only

thing they know or respond to you know

what I mean like if you get a

conversation with somebody and they're

like oh man look at the photos of the

moon landing see that [ __ ] the flags

waving

why isn't waving man there's no oxygen

on the moon open your mind man you just

gotta look him right in the eye and be

like wow you believe in the moon you

[ __ ] seven man I don't think Barack

Obama was born in this country who gives

a [ __ ] he's a ghost

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